The Dangers of “SHOULD”
BY DAN GALANTO
You think you’re happy?
Scroll through your “for your page” on Instagram for 15 minutes.
Still happy?
We all know IG is fake, if not highly exaggerated, but scrolling for those 15 minutes could almost guarantee you thinking you should be fitter, more successful, be more social, work harder etc. The incredible number of people that have their life together compared to you makes you think you’re not where you should be.
I’m not in the business of telling you how to think, but to me, this is dangerous thinking. This is the danger of “should”. Thinking you need to be somewhere you’re not may catalyze the cascade of negative thinking:
“Look at all these people with better bodies than me.”
“It must be fairly easy to do that”
“If it’s easy, I should be more active”
“But it’s so hard, I put so much effort in at work, staying in touch, groceries, bills….”
“I must be so much lazier than they are”
“I need downtime. Let me just scroll for a bit.”
Restart the cycle.
How many times have you thought you were lazy working through this cycle? For me, probably over 1,000 times. The more times you tell yourself how trashy of a person you are, the more likely you are to believe it.
The crazy thing about this cycle is not destructive until you get to conclude that you’re lazier than they are. Right before that part, you state, “I should…”. You’re thinking you need to be somewhere you’re not.
I’m all for self-improvement, but you should not be anywhere else besides where you are right now. You are exactly where you should me. You shouldn’t be anywhere else. There is no counterfactual. Looking at someone else and saying “I should be where they are” is helpful for self-improvement unless you ignore the history of that person that led them to be where they are. Someone who’s ONLY job is to work out is going to have an easier time getting to their fitness goals compared to someone with a family, 9 to 5, and countless other disruptions.
With this mentality, going from “I should be more active” to “my inactivity is explainable” opens the door for “how can I be more active given my explanation?” Let’s try:
“Look at all these people with better bodies than me”
“It must be fairly easy to do that”
“If it’s easy, why am I not more active?”
“I put so much effort in at work, staying in touch, groceries, bills….”
“I’m sure I’m tired for all these reasons”
“I need downtime but maybe I can schedule my day a little different to get a small workout in”
Defaulting to self-blame is a typical trait some people are exposed to in our culture:
“You shouldn’t be wearing that. It’s distracting the boys in class”
“You shouldn’t have been walking alone.”
“You shouldn’t have stayed with him.”
Defaulting to objective exploration is the healthy way you can defeat the dangers of “should” and instead be realistic with where you are. Just like you’re feeling a certain way for a reason, and you should feel those feelings, you’re where you are for a reason, and you should trust that you’re not a worse person for it.
“Meet yourself in the middle by loving the past you and giving future you a reason to thank the present you.”
It’s encouraged to want to grow but defaulting to placing the blame on what a horrible person you are isn’t helping anyone. It’s funny to joke about, but it’s not true. Trust you did the best for yourself when you were in the moment. Growing is an act of self-love but respecting the past is also an act of loving the person you were. Meet yourself in the middle by loving both the past you and giving future you a reason to thank the present you.
It's what you should do.
Dan is a current epidemiologist, ACSM CPT workshop instructor, author of A Big Distraction, and has held various fitness certificates dating back to 2007. Currently, he is a certified exercise physiologist (EP-C) through ACSM with the Exercise is Medicine credential. Dan’s professional emphasis is disease prevention through exercise and self-efficacy.
To promote this stance, Dan started a Youtube Channel to teach people how to do something they may have never thought they could do and answer fitness questions that are commonly asked.